I sank into my chair, my eyes wide in fear, staring at the thumb-sized wasp that decided it would hover laps around me. It seemed to get larger and more ferocious with every passing moment… before long it would be cat-sized with a stinger that could impale my skull.

I was gasping and dodging this chitinous fiend which was clearly bent on my destruction. It was ignoring and avoiding all the other people in my office, letting them go about their business. Perhaps they had signed some kind of peace treaty with its queen, or developed some kind of herbal remedy to keep demons at bay. I had no such immunity, and so I became the target.

Suddenly it dipped past my face, causing me to flinch in horror. In a moment of clarity, I grabbed the clipboard from my desk and sent it hurling through space and time in an enormous arc of devastation. I heard the clack as it struck my armored foe, sending it to the ground, where I swear I saw it shake the daze out of its head like in a cartoon.

I had not a moment to lose, once its senses were regained, it would come at me full force, filling my eyes and face with its demonic poison.

I stood up and slammed the clipboard on top of it, pushing down with all of my might. It felt like a mighty peanut cracking beneath my primate power.

Why couldn’t it be a nice little bug, like the tiny jumping spider that lives at my desk, who is presently scuttling across my monitor and scoping things out? I CAN make peace with your kind, oh God of Arthropods oh GOD OF CHRISTIANITY IT JUST JUMPED ONTO THE KEYBOARD AND I HAD TO SWAT IT AWAY!

There’s also a seven-legged spider living near my tv. It could wrap its legs completely around a ping pong ball.

What crawls over me in my sleep, in the darkness of the sub-tropical night?